This is a letter I wrote to a friend on the hotel stationery while lying on the bathroom floor. I wrote this letter to cope with how I was feeling and to distract me from my urges. I was sobbing and exhausted when I wrote this, it was extremely cathartic but I apologize if parts are a bit hard to understand.
I’m sharing this letter because I think it holds an important message. If you need a reason to not use or harm yourself, think about the fact that someone feels this way about you.
CW: SI, drug use, drugs named, overdose, death
Names have been changed and parts of the letter have been omitted for privacy.
Dear Kevin,
I finally came back to NYC! My hotel room is lovely; it has a giant tub and a city view. There’s a full-sized table to sit at, and you should be sitting in that chair laughing while watching me spin in circles in my fun dress. You loved how quirky I am and how silly myoutfits could be. You should have put out that album you were working on by now, in fact, you probably should have put several albums out by now, I didn’t see you ever giving up music. We should be listening to your latest music, talking about the production process, and enthusiastically discussing stuff like guitar pedals because we’re music nerds. I’d probably ask to listen to a demo, and you should be playing all seven different versions of it for me, you were such a perfectionist.
I wonder where you would be in life. Would you be married? Have kids? Have been promoted? I should be asking you how are you enjoying married life? Is being a dad as hard as it looks? How does it feel to be the guy in charge now? Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Why didn’t I answer that text? Why didn’t I ask that question? We’re not having these conversations because you’re gone. You’re gone forever. The thing I considered my “best friend” and biggest comfort took you from us.
Tonight I went to the venue you worked at before we lost you. I tried not to think about you and just enjoy the show, but I couldn’t help but look up and stare at the sound booth and think about how that was your favorite place to be, I believe that’s where you first saw me from too. I remember that guy you introduced me to, I looked for him tonight, and I’m not entirely sure why? Maybe I was looking for comfort. I couldn’t find him, but you called him a “big shot” and he was probably on the bus with the band, per-usual. I walked around and talked to friends; there was this creep who wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m sure you would have saved me from him.
I just wrote about you in a blog post, so you’ve been on my mind more than usual. I didn’t expect or plan to come here, and when I did, I didn’t expect to feel this way. I knew I’d think about you, but I didn’t think I’d lie in bed looking at that empty chair with tears streaming down my face. I had to get up; I’m currently on the bathroom floor; I never want to leave this floor.
Oh, Kevin, I just want to be numb. I don’t want to feel any of this. I’m having strong urges to use and just lie in that bathtub feeling nothing. My veins are begging for that relief. I’m in Hell’s Kitchen, you know I could “score” in a matter of minutes. I also never deleted all those contacts I had, and I know I really should do that, but I don’t know why this immense fear consumes me every time I try to. Kevin, I want to be gone too. I want this pain to end.
I won’t though, because I don’t want anyone I care about to feel the same way I do right now. I never want somebody to walk by a store and think “that was Darling’s favorite bookstore, she loved it in there” and then have their heart sink all the way down to their stomach, knowing they’ll never see me enjoying myself in there again. I never want someone to stop listening to a music artist because they were my favorite and it’s just too painful to remember my face when my favorite song played. I never want someone to avoid the concert venue I worked at and miss tons of fun shows because the memories from all the years I worked there are too haunting and heartbreaking. I never want places or things to bring up little memories of me and then massive heartbreak. I never want to be the trigger behind a friend abusing substances. I never want someone to feel the way I do now. I couldn’t do that; I never want my memory to shatter someone. When I go, I want everyone to feel I lived a fulfilled life and be at peace. You didn’t live a fulfilled life; Kevin, things were just beginning!
I know you didn’t mean to pass this pain on, I know your pain must have been unbearable. I wish you had expressed that to me. The night we met, I was recovering from nearly overdosing. I mixed massive amounts of opioids, benzodiazepines, amphetamines, gabapentin, marijuana, alcohol, and God knows what else. I don’t know how I survived that, I think I must have for a reason. I’m so embarrassed my friend and a near-stranger had to keep me alive all night, they haven’t spoken to me since. Obviously, I was taking it easy the night we met and just keeping myself out of withdrawal. Because of this, I think you viewed me as a mostly clean person, so I always acted like one around you, I don’t know why but I wanted to be the person you thought I was, I wanted to be a better person even though I couldn’t admit my problems to myself. I feel like meeting you immediately after that traumatic experience and having you show me so many good times without being completely obliterated made me re-think life.
But I didn’t stop, it took me years to stop. Even after I lost you and many others to heroin, I didn’t stop, in fact, I got worse. I think you would be happy to know I’m here in this big hotel room to celebrate my 18 months (one and a half years!) in recovery! I think we would be celebrating, I’m sure you would know a good spot to get sweets this late at night. I wish I were celebrating your sobriety too. Thank you, Kevin, you showed me a side of life I needed to see. I really wish you were here to see it with me. My veins may ache, and my head may tell me to be numb, but I will not use tonight, I will not harm myself tonight; for you, Kevin, I won’t do it.
I’m exhausted, I want to look at the city as I fall asleep, the city you loved so much. I miss you. Thank you for everything.
Goodnight Kevin.
Love,
Darling
Someone loves you, don’t make them have to write a letter like this.
Hug a friend today, message a friend and let them know you support them, tell a friend you love them, do it while you have the chance, you never know when they will be gone.
