An Extended Update On How I’m Recovering:
I didn’t want to share this because I know people only want to read the good stuff and because of how much shame I feel around this topic. I want people to be happy for me, I want them to be proud of me, but I have to be real. I’m not doing too well, and I need support.My care level has been increased substantially, I am considered a very high risk, withdrawal medication has been mentioned, and inpatient treatment is on the table.
It’s difficult to share that you’ve crashed headfirst into a wall and feel like you’re regressing, that you’re just a ticking time bomb for a relapse. I’ve medically reached a critical stage of withdrawal where my tolerance is extremely high and the cravings are absolutely unbearable.
24/7 I have these intense cravings that are like having someone run their nails down a chalkboard in your ears while yelling “you know there’s a way to make this all go away, it will only take a few seconds, and you’ll feel amazing.” The constant distressing noise in my head is giving me intense headaches and a complete inability to enjoy or focus on anything. I could be looking directly at you and not hear a word you’re saying because there’s only one thing going on in my mind. Trying to put on a strong face and be out, focused, and social drains me, I’m ready to fall asleep by 6 pm because I have nothing left in me.
When I do finally collapse and fall asleep, it’s incredibly unpleasant. Every night I’ve been having terrifying and heartbreaking nightmares about substance abuse (this is a common withdrawal symptom) that wake me up after only a couple hours of sleep. Once the nightmares wake me up the noise in my head from the cravings starts up again. The distress I feel pushes me to tears, sobbing in my bed, crying out to gods I don’t even believe in to please, please, please make it stop.
I’m so sleep deprived. I feel so defeated. I can’t think straight. I want to give up. I don’t even know if this post makes sense. I don’t know what to do.
Reflection Jan. 5th 2019: CW: Descriptive mention of IV drug use and overdose. I remember this time like it was yesterday, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. I had not publically come clean about my opioid relapse back in late August, so the talk of withdrawal symptoms probably sounded odd. I feel like I downplayed just how awful this experience was. I’d toss and turn and writhe all night begging every god I had ever heard of to make this suffering stop. My cognitive ability was pretty much completely gone, I couldn’t string together coherent sentences, I couldn’t listen to anyone because I couldn’t focus that long, I couldn’t watch movies/TV/youtube because I’d forget what the program was about as I was watching it, all because my mind was so wrapped up in cravings. My head felt like it was going to explode, I remember holding my head down towards my knees and rocking back and forth in my therapist’s office because this obsession physically hurt. Most of my nightmares consisted of me shooting heroin and overdosing, then looking at my dead body from a different perspective and just shaking my head saying “what a shame” or “it was inevitable” and walking away, leaving my blue body with a needle stuck in it left behind as if I were worthless garbage. They were horrifying; I’d frequently wake up thinking they were real, thinking I relapsed again, thinking I was waking up from an overdose. It would take me full minutes to realize it was just a dream, but I’d still have panic attacks, I’d feel sick to my stomach, and nothing would feel quite real for the rest of the day. The cravings were unbearable, the noise in my head telling me I needed opiates and other drugs to survive was deafening, I think I started to make up religions so I had more deities to scream to for help. I wanted to be better, but if this suffering is what it took, I didn’t know if I was strong enough.
