There’s no healing me, helping me, saving me, fixing me, or however you want to phrase it. The notion that I could ever live anything close to a healthy life is nothing but a fairy tale. Repeatedly saying ”I will get better” is nothing but a lie I keep telling myself, I know damn well I won’t get better, and I don’t think I ever really intended to. Telling anyone the secret I kept for so long was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I’ve regretted it since the minute it came out of my mouth.
Why on earth would I choose to inflict this misery on myself? My days are now filled with excruciating pain, being sick, and being emotionally miserable. I can’t take it anymore; it’s not worth it.
I used to get so angry when people didn’t reach out to me, or my friends would ignore my calls and texts when I felt like I needed someone. I now realize how stupid that was; they could see what I couldn’t; that I’m a lost cause and a total waste of time. I had developed such an inflated ego that I felt like I deserved their time and attention, which couldn’t be further from the truth and it’s embarrassing I ever thought that way.
Every treatment center I’ve been to could see it, all my friends could see it, and now I finally see it; there’s no helping me.
This has been such a painful experience, and I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m so sorry for wasting everyone’s time.
