I’M HOME FROM REHAB! I feel so incredibly grateful to have been able to get into the program I got into, I can see why people come from all over the world to go to it. I’ve been in treatment for a lot of different reasons, and most of them can be described as “just outside of hell” at best. This one actually felt like I was taking a step in the right direction. I’m obviously far from “cured,” but I needed something to get me in a better place so I can focus on getting on the right track.
So the #1 question I’ve been getting is “how are you doing?” and the answer to that is just “rough.”
It’s jarring to go from this safe environment with a tight-knit community to home alone. I’m incredibly lonely, and those are words I almost never say. I really did get used to being around people all day, making great friends and being able to say anything I was feeling. Now I’m just alone in the quiet with nothing but my thoughts, and it’s scary.
I was also put on medication for cravings (Naltrexone) and being on it has been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. To oversimplify, Naltrexone blocks certain pleasure center receptors in your brain that lead to cravings and addictive behavior. It is an opioid antagonist so its primary purpose is to bind to the opioid receptors in my brain but without activating the receptors. This means if I did try to use opioids I wouldn’t get any desirable (if any) effects from the drug, it can also decrease the risk of overdose and quickly throw me into withdrawal. So basically what I’m experiencing is parts of my brain that have been overstimulated for nearly a decade are not freaking out for the first time, and man is it a weird experience.
I’ve been having everything from “wait who am I without drugs? Did I ever develop a personality? What do I even enjoy?” nervous breakdowns, to thinking things like “wow! The color purple is so vivid, has it always been this way? Wow! My shirt is so soft; I haven’t felt anything in years! This is amazing!” that I can only imagine is similar to a really strange drug trip. My thinking is bizarre right now, so please be patient with me. Remember this is the first time in nearly a decade that I haven’t been intoxicated or having cravings and it feels so foreign to me. I don’t know if this is some short adjustment period or the beginning of some long self-discovery journey.
So the good news is that the medication is working, the bad news is that the side-effects are really rough. All of my joints ache all the time, I’ve been having disorienting headaches, getting the spins, I’m sick to my stomach all day and around 6-8pm it’s almost debilitating and I’m not sure why, I can’t fall asleep, when I do finally sleep I frequently wake up with cold sweats, and I have no appetite whatsoever. I could barely lift my head a couple of hours ago and realized it’s because I haven’t eaten since Friday afternoon. I don’t feel hungry and even looking or smelling food makes me feel uneasy. If that sounds like hell and you would stop the medication ASAP, well it’s about a thousand times better than how I feel while having cravings, so just consider that.
I should wrap this up because my thought patterns are scattered, and I’m not sure I’m making much sense or if I’m rambling. I’m summary, I’m glad I went, I feel rough but I’m safe, and I can feel the light inside of me coming back, my fiancé will be here tomorrow and I’m so excited to see him again. I’m so thankful for the experience I’ve had, and thank you all for your patience, friendship and giving me my privacy through this.
TL;DR: Yo, I’m home from rehab. Wasn’t so bad. Meds are working but I feel sick and my brain is screwy so sorry if I send you all caps song lyrics at 4 am.
