I have decided that Louboutin’s that could definitely be used as weapons is my aesthetic 👑🔪
Backup aesthetic: That girl by the pool with a Gucci bag and light up stripper heels.
(for the days killer Louboutin’s are impractical) 🤷🏼‍♀️👑
#CantBuyClass
Reflection Jan. 5th 2019: These two posts that may seem like how the kids say, “flex posts,” were actually me just being really excited about my progression into treatment. I can hear you now screaming “oh bullshit, you just wanted to show off how you could afford these expensive items,” and that’s a fair assumption. Here’s the truth, when I made these posts I had just entered my addiction IOP, I was so nervous for my intake I swear I didn’t sleep for 3 days leading up to it, I thought I’d back out, throw my hands in the air, and scream “I’m not doing it!” Deep down I knew I needed the help and I couldn’t back out, so I needed a motivator, I told myself if I went to my intake, completed it successfully, and attended my first session; I would get a pair of Louboutin shoes and a small Gucci bag. I wanted these things so badly, I know that’s materialistic as fuck, but I can’t lie and say I don’t like owning nice things. So when I earned them, I was ecstatic, and in a way, I wanted to show everyone what I had accomplished.
After that, each week I would pick an item that would be my “I made it another week in treatment” reward and then buy it for myself. These “rewards” ranged from the high-end Louis Vuitton crossbody I wear all the time, to little things like the $35 bath tray I use to hold my tea and phone while taking baths. There was no metric for how pricey (or cheap) the item that week would be; it was just simply whatever I wanted that week. I am a reward chaser, I’m one of those people who has never won a raffle or contest that was chosen at random in her life, but I’ve won plenty of contests that required hard work and/or talent, and things like that make me feel really fulfilled, so I knew if I told myself “you only get this item if you work your way through another week of treatment” you bet your ass I would treat treatment like it was my most important entry into a contest ever. It may seem terrible to essentially bribe myself into going to treatment, but I was so scared. I have a lot of treatment trauma and admitting for the first time that I had a drug problem was absolutely terrifying, so showing up to treatment was a huge nerve-wracking accomplishment for me; I needed a reward. It may seem shallow, but these items still hold a special place in my heart, no matter how silly they may be, I look at them and say “that was another successful week in treatment, I earned that by taking care of myself.” Roll your eyes and call me materialistic, but it worked for me, it kept me on track, and it gave me something to look forward to. So yes, I am materialistic, but it kept me in treatment, and that’s what really matters.
Also, light up stripper heels are just fun, how could I say no to those?
One thought on “Bribing Myself Into Treatment”